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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.