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My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?