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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.