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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.