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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.