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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.