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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!