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I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Don’t jump to confusions.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.