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You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
My memory foam has amnesia
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...