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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
My inner self is in Photoshop
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally