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I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.