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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"