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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...