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Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep