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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.