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Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.