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Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP