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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.