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You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
I just broke my record for most days lived.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...