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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.