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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.