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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Home is where the pants aren`t.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.