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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.