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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie