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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
My pants are 75% off.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.