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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.