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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.