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When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."