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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.