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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.