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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.