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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.