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I wish my mind had a delete button.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on