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Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....