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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.