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I don`t care about your status...
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.