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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.