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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.