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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
heyy lol
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.