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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I have a black belt in leather
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.