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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake