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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.