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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.