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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.