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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.