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Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The word bed looks like a bed.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.