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Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.