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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Own the day
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
cuss words = sentence enhancers
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.