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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about