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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.