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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.