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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.