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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.