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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>