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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.