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I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.