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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.