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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.